You Can't Come to My Birthday Party!

Once upon a time, there was a little me who thought it was the end of the world if someone didn't like me. Being invited to a birthday party was completely validating and being left out the ultimate shun.  I got older and other activities replaced birthday parties- like boating at the lake or  being asked to Prom (I wasn't by the way- and I was NOT going stag!!   For one- who wants to pay that many dollars for a dress to go to a dance alone?!?!  For another, who wants to pay that many dollars for a dress to look like a princess and stand by the wall all evening and go home feeling like a mud pie?!   That's my logic.  I think I took my Bro's and sister to a movie on the night of Prom).  Anyway, we grow up.  Our priorities change.  We discover that it's okay to just be ourselves.  But does that need for acceptance ever REALLY go away.  Here's my theory.  For a lot of years I didn't, but now I like me.  I do!  I think I am a worthwhile person and that I have valid ideas and bla bla bla.  NOT EVERY ONE IS GOING TO LIKE ME THOUGH!!   Last week, I thought, "who cares!  Their loss!  I'm worth liking!"  This week I feel more humble.  I explored wondering why.  I tried to think what I had done to create not likability- but wondered if I really wanted to know the answer.  Would I change how I behave or who I am so one individual would "like" me?  (Do we wear certain clothes to fit in with a certain crowd?  Do we eat certain foods to fit in with a certain crowd. . . )  It has been an interesting thought path.  Evidently, I rubbed this individual the wrong way- because I tried to exercise more authority than was mine.  The word was "bossy". . . I've been called that a lot- and a "know it all". Here is my conclusion: I'm probably too bossy.  I know I butt by nose in where it doesn't belong.  Am I going to be different tomorrow?  Probably not.  Will I be different in five years?  Oh, I hope so!  I've decided that being a bossy know-it-all implies disrespect or contempt or superiority and while I may not consciously feel that way- it may be what I'm communicating.  I doubt very strongly that I will ever be best friends with the one who doesn't like me (the one. . lol.  there are probably more than one- but this is not an invitation to nit-pick me. . .le'me address one personality flaw at a time))  I made a bad first impression- and honestly, I'm not going to over extend myself trying to convince someone that I'm no so bad. That takes too much energy, and I really don't care what their opinion is.  There are people I don't like, too but I can be civil and respectful.  (Hopefully the one can do that to- I DON'T like open conflict)  But- I will try to be more respectful to people around me.  Do I like myself any less?  Well, maybe- but just because I think I may have unintentionally hurt someone.  I still like me, though; and I am grateful that I have room for improvement.   I like the quote that says "You have two ears and one mouth.  Use them in that ratio."  So here goes!!!! 

Sure sign of Spring: Empty silverware drawer!

In my ever present quest to find something good, I will appreciate how cold and wet this spring (if you really want to call it that) has been because for the first time since buying this house nearly five years ago, we have a yard that is grass rather than weeds and bare dirt.  My children had no beef with a dirt yard though- they love to dig!  At our house, a sure sign of spring really is a spoon shortage in the silverware drawer.  So this year, I wasn't surprised to see a lack of spoons, but it was mildly puzzling because there isn't a dirt spot for digging in.  I would scan the yard carefully while mowing for my missing silverware, and came across only a single fork.  Well, when it became apparent that if we tried to eat two meals with spoons in a row that someone would have to use a measuring spoon, I broke down and purchased replacements.  The following day a large, sealed ziploc bag appeared in the sink with all of my missing spoons.  It was a miracle!!  I asked Kadie where they had come from.  She laughed hysterically and replied, "Daddy's lunch box!"  I emphatically apologized to my children for accusing them of being spoon losers and we have determined that for Fathers Day, our Daddy gets a box of plastic spoons!  Perhaps next spring, since there is grass on top of our dirt, we will not experience our annual hunt for the spoons at all.

Is my time really only worth $0.60 an hour!?!?!?!

     I have come to realize that I am an obsessive cheapskate.  Once upon  a time, I had some glue sticks.  They were the kind you put in a hot glue gun.  They were tiny, though and my glue gun took the big ones.  So, I kept them just in case I ever bought a smaller glue gun.  One day, I did find a mini glue gun on a clearance wrack for a buck and a half and was so excited because I could use the tiny glue sticks!!!  I did not even have a project in mind but- if I ever needed to glue something, I now had the tools; except I couldn't find the blasted glue sticks.  That very night, I lay in bed, unable to sleep for wondering where the missing glue sticks were and decided to just get up and look.  SIX  HOURS I spent looking for gluesticks, being as quiet as I could since it was the middle of the night.  My poor husband thought a hurricane had hit our bedroom in the night when he woke the next morning.  I never found them, but guess what?  The Dollar store carries glue sticks. 
     Today I wanted to put up  a clothes line because, honestly, I like the romantic appeal that "hanging out the laundry" has for me- that and the fact that I live in a wind tunnel.  Why pay for blowing air in the clothes dryer when it's free right out side my door?!  I have had a roll of the actual line in my garage for five years.  But  today, I couldn't find it!  Four hours spent in the garage looking- searching, rather and nothing came to fruition.  I cleaned as I looked though so certain parts of our garage are much tidier for the searching, which is an improvement over the glue stick mess.  And, I also gave up after four hours, rather than six, so that is a 33% inprovement also.  The sad thing is this.  It was a dollar and eighty eight cents for the clothes line but by the time I got to the store and home, it was too late to do the laundry.

  I have learned several lessons today:
1. Don't store stuff for later.  Just throw it away because I'll NEVER find it when I need it and just end up                buying another anyway. 
2. I need to clean the garage. 
3.Do projects right away and not buy stuff just in case ( as I think of my sewing room FULL                              of fabric that was on a good sale that I might use someday). 
4. And I realized that if I didn't have strange quirks, I'd be absolutely perfect and would be twinkled to heaven and have to leave my sweet family with no Mommy- so I will appreciate my quirkiness and look forward to doing the bedding and hanging it out to dry tomorrow.  

Lets start at the very beginning. . .

     I never thought I'd a "blogger".  I have decided though, that I have a lot to say!  There is a lot that goes in in my head- most of the time it's exhausting!  Facebook, while fun, is not the place for me to sort out and publicize the goings on of my random trek through understanding. 

     I am the oldest of five.  I think that means something,  I think it means that I am a leader, that I'm an idea person- thus clever and quick witted.  I'm a teacher, an authoritarian ( that's a nice way to say probably too bossy), I like to have my own way (aka STUBBORN) and I often think my ideas are better than someone elses.  I am a confidant, and protector, an owie kisser, and a helper. 
     I am, from a long time back, a question asker.  I think that people SHOULD share what knowledge they have!!  I do not like having to pay for answers.  I think knowledge should be a free commodity- available for the asking but our society has put a huge price tag on knowledge.  That is one of my major beefs.  For that reason, I love the internet.  So much informtaion out there available for the asking.  I just had an epiphany.  Much of the time, I have wondered why I was sent to earth at this time.  I would have made a lovely English Lady, or a robust pioneer- but my constant quest for knowledge would not have been satisfied at any time other than this one (so far).  YES!!  I love realizing things!- and I like being a question answerer for others.  I don't expect people to just fill me up with knowledge to horde to myself.  There is a balance, though; isn't there?  We don't want to force our "knowledge" or beliefs or ideas or thoughts on others. . that is why I ask.  I'll let the masses know that I am a person who wants to know!  I'll be a receptacle for the stuff they're bursting to share!! Sad thing, though- I am just now beginning to understand that kowledge comes line upon line, and precept upon precept- and what a joyous realization that was.  I need to read my scriptures.  From front to back- the whole way through- and not just flip to the index or topical guide when I have a problem.  I am sooo looking forward to learning things line upon line because I understand now that is the way a loving father in Heaven teaches his children. . .it has been a rough journey of wondering why I didn't get answers when I just opened my books. . .and I didn't feel that I had the resources to "FIND" the answers I sought.  I'll tell you- it was a very lonely place to be. . having people tell me that Heavenly Father loves me and that He will answer my prayers if I ask in Faith but to then pour out my guts in supplication for answers and get (what I thought) was nothing. I just wasn't listening. . . and for that reason,  the answer was a long time coming, but that is it.  I don't get all the knowledge that I seek gift wrapped with a bow or like a lightening bolt flashed right to my brain core. . .I can handle this.  I now have a game plan.  If I familiarize myself with my scriptures- learning truths along the way- I will know better where to go when I seek specific guidance. 
     See- Blogging is fantastic!  Realization is fantastic. 
      So- I'm thinking that this blog will encompass much musing and thought sorting as well as silly things from the day to day that we experience- hopefully I can figure out how to organize it all. 

     Ahhhhh.. if anyone ever does read the things I share- peace to you.  Another of my quests has brought me to feel that peace is as much a choice as what shirt I wear.  Choose peace.  Choose love!  Choose to see those we share this glorious planet with as people and not things or as the labels we unthinkingly give.  It's going to be a great day!